My Conversation with God

Dear Daddy:

I am really sorry that I don't spend as much time talking with you lately as I should. I know that some time is better than no time and that the amazing peace I find in your presence should be enough motivation to make me make more time for you. I wont insult you with excuses about how life just gets in the way because I let life get in the way. I have allowed the distractions to get in the way and there is nothing else I can say about that except that I am so thankful that your love is unlike anything else in this world and so I know that regardless of my faults and the my choices, you love me and have forgiven me. 

Please know that I am working on correcting that as soon as possible and making better efforts with my time management.

I love how you always encourage me to be loving and patient. How you so lovingly build me up to be the person that you created me to be. I wish that I were better at taking the lessons and didn't always want to be so hands on and do so much on my own, yet through it all You are never impatient with me and you continue to cheer me on and love me and push me forward like  a proud and loving father, no matter how many times I fall short. 

The love and patience you have for us Daddy, is a real example of the kind of people that you want us to be. Ever loving, trusting and patient. Helping one another whenever we can. I know that you are smiling at me and happy that I am trying to make so much progress in my relationship with you and in being who you created me to be and I know that my shortcoming don't discourage you, even if they DO discourage me. Thank you, Daddy! Thank you for your love and trust and faith in me. For seeing me for who I can be and not for who I have sometimes chose to be. 

 Mother Theresa once said "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."  I never really knew what she meant until recently. 

I feel so overwhelmed Daddy and here is the kicker, I know that you never meant for me to handle any of it, especially not without you... So its my fault that I am feeling so overwhelmed by it all and only I can chose  to make things different, and I know how to make it different, I just sometimes lack the will and at other times I feel like I lack the support.

I know that YOU are with me Daddy. I know that you are here and you are holding my hand through it all and I know that I can talk to you... but I feel so lonely Daddy. I am so surrounded by people and yet I feel so alone. Half the time I think that maybe I can talk and I mean really talk to one of them and then I feel like I am going crazy and if I cant always understand things myself or even explain it then, HOW am I supposed to be able to explain it to them and expect them to understand?

How do I tell them all that I know? All that I see? All that I feel? How do I tell them that You allow me to have all this knowledge Lord so that I can help you help them through it? How do I explain to them that every single one of our secrets are tearing us apart? Why are we all so ashamed of what they enemy makes us think and feel?

Oh Daddy! How I wish you would tell me what to do!

We are so distracted by our own struggles that I don't know if we see what the others are going through... But you see our struggles and you have allowed me to see them too.

Daddy, I know that in the past I have asked you to take it all away, but I don't want that anymore. What I want Daddy, more than anything else in the world is for you to teach me, raise me and guide me through everything, so that I may learn to lean on you and do what you have called me to do, what you have created me to do. 

A Scripture to keep close to your heart...

To my Godly family:

   
     Day after day I find that I feel more and more incredibly blessed by the people that God has brought into my life. They are each such an incredible example of love. They each carry God so close to their heart that you feel His presence in them and you cant help but fall in love and want to be around them all of the time.

     As the days have gone by, from the time we met until today, we have transitioned from friends to family, and I would like to introduce you all to my family & say a few words to each of them. This is something that God has been encouraging me to do for some time now, but words always seem to fail me as I try and put my sentiments towards these amazing people together.

     For all of us this journey has started with God and He has seen to guide us all the way here and then introduce us to someone incredible...

     The first amazing person He blessed me with was my incredibly awesome if sometimes hard headed and difficult husband, Michael Domenech. With just 2 weeks away from our 7 yr anniversary, the only thing Michael and I agree on most days is that, God brought us together that day on the beach and through the good, the bad and the ugly, through the moments of  complete joy and  utter despair, it is God who has kept us together in the times when either one of us, or both of us, have wanted nothing more than to walk away.
     We have been blessed to be the parents of 2 amazing children who are such a walking testimony of love day in and day out, a son, Kaleb Amir [meaning Companion, Eternal Prince] & a daughter Kalei Anika [One who works for the king, merciful and graceful] are the 2 tiny people that we love the most and make our family whole.
     Michael introduced me to a level of love, faith and trust in God that I had never seen anyone display before. He always trusted that God could get us out of the worse of situations. I never fully understood it and at times I was downright critical of his way of thinking, but... He was right and I was wrong. God is a God that loves His children and He wants to give us all so much more than any of us could ever even hoped to receive or even think of asking for. He is raising Sons and Daughters of The Mighty King. We are his children not his servants.
     I have never really told Michael how much I appreciate him and who he is in God. And I don't think he realizes just how much he has influenced me and my search for God. While I still struggle to truly believe that God is not only capable of anything but also willing to give us our hearts desire's Michael truly believes it and speaks in faith every day. People always comment on his luck, but what they fail to realize is that with Michael, its not about luck, its about faith. Its how he lives every day of his life. Believing above all else, that God has every aspect of our lives completely under control. He is incredible and I only hope to have that level of hope and faith and trust in God very soon. Thank you for your love and your faith and your example of a relationship with God. You are amazing and I love you  babe!

     Jesse Snow... my ever loving, ever patient, always ready with great words of Wisdom little older brother. The best way that I could explain my brother Jesse is as a walking, talking, breathing, testimony of God and His love. Jesse has such an incredible understanding of God's love for His people and he does a better job at loving us all than anyone could ever expect from any one person.
     Jesse's patience for me, especially when I don't have it for myself never ceases to amaze me and Lord knows I have tried everything to push him away in times of fear. But Jesse's love for us all is rooted in God and His love for us and so, thankfully, we are stuck with each other. Loving, supporting, encouraging each other through the bad times and celebrating together the good times. Jesse has been a rock and a compass, always pointing me back to God in my times of uncertainty, and I often wonder if he realizes just how much I love and appreciate him always being here for me, especially when I don't want him to be. I wouldn't have made it to where I am today without him.

     With Jesse, comes a great friend who is sadly not in any pictures because we haven't had the privilege of meeting in person just yet. My beautiful friend Yara Araujo. Who will never know just how much I love and admire her because words cannot express the immense level of admiration and love that I have for her.
     Yara has a heart of Gold. I didn't think any one person was capable of loving so much. She took me in and treated me like a friend from the very beginning, always ready, willing and able to be there for me when she didn't even know me. Always with my best interest at heart.
     The thing I love the most about Yara is that for all her amazing gifts of sight, she doesn't see herself very clearly and she never really seems to know just how much I look up to her. It't kind of funny because... I have seen how she trust the Lord to guide her on her's & Jesse's adventures with Him and I always tell myself that I want to be just like them. I want to love people and pray for people and TRUST beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will never let me fall should I ever decide to fly. And I know, as she is reading this that she is thinking that she too is scared a lot of the time and how Jesse is responsible for pushing her but I know, from experience that it is her that makes the decision to follow the path that God has put in front of them. No one can make you do that but yourself.

   Ms. Amanda Johnson... in the last few months has gone from total stranger to best friend in the whole wide world. Do you know how much I love you? You keep me sane on a day to day basis. You are always a quick message away, you talk me down from the ledge when I'm ready to scream, cry and commit myself to the mental institution and I honestly don't have a single clue as to what I am going to do with myself when you are gone. But I see the need for this adventure that you are embarking on, it will be a great opportunity to grow not just as a person but grow in Christ. You love those around you, and even though you struggle to find the words to express that love, you are not lacking the actions that express the emotions that words fail you to express. You don't say it, but we all know you love us and you would do anything within your power for us... Find your words honey. Don't be afraid to express your thoughts & feelings to those around you because, anyone who truly loves you and values you, will want to build those bridges with you. Don't be afraid to be yourself and let people see the incredible heart you have. God has not given you fear in life, but courage in Him. Take it and run with it.

     Tatiana Cuellar is completely unaware of the fact that she is one of my favorite people ever. She is  really quiet at times, and I don't always know how to make ways with her, but I see just how much she loves us all and most importantly to me as a mother, how much she loves my children. Kaleb and Anika both love her more than words can say and she is incredibly loving and patient with them, which is no easy task sometimes. I pray that God gives me the words to help her realize just how much she means to all of us and that our family wouldn't be the same without her.
     I thank God for her daily because I see how amazing she is, even when she doesn't always see it for herself and that is ok, because that is why she has us. We can continue to tell her how incredible she is until she sees it for herself. I just know that God has something amazing planned for her and I cant wait to see her destiny unfold! And I know she will one day be blessed enough to be as incredible a mom to a beautiful little boy or girl as she is an Aunt to my children, and it will be my turn to do some spoiling! Yay!!  Thank you for being a great person & friend, and for always being so patient with us all. I love you more than you know!!!!

     The crazy, beautiful & extremely talented Ms. Tori Ishikawa is the person responsible for my awesome little collage at the top of this entry. She is one of the few people in the world that I can honestly have that much fun with having just met them. Recently, Tori spent a couple of weeks here with us in Texas and I had the privilege of having her all to myself for the day & had a blast! She is so loving and accepting of people, even crazy people like me. Sweet and humble and have I already mentioned talented? I mean seriously, her pics are amazing. I look forward to seeing what will become of her life as God unfolds the path for her. She doesn't know it yet, but I plan on always being on her corner cheering her on!

     Last but certainly not least, is Samuel Snow. If you haven't put 2 and 2 together by now, Samuel is Jesse's brother and Michael's coach at Thunder Dome Sports and who we love to call our fearless leader. We look to him for guidance in all things life and God and I'm fairly certain he hasn't noticed. Its no coincidence either, Samuel was born for great things in life and while we may not know what God's plans for him are, we can all sense the leader in him.
     Of all the people here Samuel is the one person with whom I don't have the relationship that I would like to have, and that is something I take responsibility for. In a previous blog entry I talked about the nightmares that I was having. The enemy's attempt at keeping me away from both Jesse and Samuel... what many of you don't know is that those nightmares [in many different forms] were still taking place in my life as recently as last week, all meant to alienate me specifically from Samuel and I allowed that to be an anchor of fear in my life. However it is never to late to correct those mistakes and take back control and authority over my life. God has blessed me with so many incredible people and I want them all to continue to be a part of my life in the way God intended for them to be.
    Sam, to me, you are an amazing son of God. Someone who I hope to one day grow closer to and learn from and someone who holds a particularly special place in my heart as my friend and my brother and all I can say is that I love you, more than you know and the more I get to know you the more I realize that you have an incredible heart for God and His people and more than anyone else here I look forward to seeing your life and your destiny unfold because I just know that what God has for you has to be nothing short amazing. I hope you know that you have a friend and sister in me that is always here for you.
     Thank you, for welcoming everyone of us into your life and your gym and giving us a spiritual place to call home. None of this would be possible if not for you...

Leading by Example...

Just a couple of days ago I was sitting here telling you all just how kids learn from example. I never truly realized just how much they truly take in, even at a young age. 

I am the daughter of an earthy father who is a drug addict and a homeless man. He was lost, in a manner of speaking, at an early age, he tried to get cleaned up and be a proper contributing member of society, but he never did make much of himself. He is a good man, a lost soul, but a good hard working man and was for as long as he could be. 

I was angry for years, but the anger didn't seem to accomplish much. I always felt like he didn't deserve anything from us but everyone around us fed him and clothed him anyways... I don't know exactly what changed my views on my dad and just about every homeless I come across, but I can't seem to be able to drive passed one without doing something to help the situation, weather it be food or money. 

Unbeknownst to me, the kids were watching and learning. 

Yesterday, on our way home from visiting my sister there was a homeless man on the corner of Hwy 30 & Eastchase Pkwy. Anika asked me "Mommy, aren't you going to give him any money?" To which I replied that I didn't have any. Kaleb asked "What about food?" [usually I have fruits or something similar in the car. Mostly for the kids which they have given up once or twice before for a person who needs it more than we obviously do] and I told them that I was sorry, I didn't have anything. No money, change, food... nothing. It was a rare occurrence but it was what it was. 
Kaleb became quiet, his disappointment was clear in his face. Anika became a mess of tears and once home they tears continued as she searched for every single cent she could come across. Kaleb gave her his piggy bank which had more change than I know and they put in all together and asked and asked and asked to go back and take the man the money. I asked her why this was so important and she said she wanted him to eat, I told her to pray that someone else would drive by and have money to give him and she said "No! He needs love mom".
Michael finally agreed to drive back to where we had seen him and I told them that there was a chance he had moved on. There is a DMW in that area and so there are many cops. I've seen a few homeless get arrested for panhandling on the overpass. Anika then proceeded to inform me that if we didn't take her she would cry and if he wasn't there she would cry... and off we went, but just as I had feared he was no longer there or anywhere near by for that matter. In the end, true to her word, there was a lot more crying involved. Kaleb who hates to see his sister cry went into solution mode. They came up with this plan, they took their plastic empty Easter eggs, and filled them all with money, not much money, I think roughly 2$ or 3$ per egg and then this morning, they left the eggs in the car so that they can already have the money there they next time we run into a homeless person, which believe it or not, its becoming a very common sighting lately. 

Its amazing the things that they pick up when you aren't paying attention.We often tell our kids to "do as I say and not as I did" but sadly that just doesn't work that way. I never realized they were paying that much attention. usually, with the kids in the car Ill do simple things to help. My sister and I tend to be a little more drastic, when the kids are not around, especially if we do not have any cash on hand, like order a meal from a near by place and cross a highway to feed the person...
Everything you do is an example to your kids. Some kids will choose to follow the same paths that their parents have taken while others will choose a different path all together, either way, in the end your actions speak volumes and your children are listening. 

Raising Children...?

What exactly is raising children? 

This has been something that has been on my heart and mind for quite some time now. What is raising children? What does it really mean? And is that really what we are doing?

To me, "Raising Children" means just that, raising a child. its creating someone who in body is fully grown but has not been taught to act & think like an adult. 

Recently, I have been catching fire regarding my parenting approach. I agree, my ways of teaching my children are not what society would consider "good parenting" now a days but... I don't usually do what society feels appropriate anyways. I have never felt the need to explain or justify my parenting, and I still don't. Shockingly enough, I feel like God really wants to me to. Maybe there is someone out there who needs to re-think their own approach or maybe someone out there can give me a little insight into my own. Who knows, God's ways are mysterious. 

The Webster dictionary says that the words "Kid" & "Child" both mean a young person. Based on that description of the word alone, one has to wonder if that may not be the best approach to parenting. Treating them as younger, more naive version of a person. Like a small adult if you will.  It is tricky territory though because they are not adults... but they will be. They need rules, boundaries, structure and discipline and lots and lots of love. They need to be taught to follow the rules and yet think for themselves. Like I said, tricky at times.

I have been entrusted with the care of 2 young children. Anika, whose picture has been my choice for this particular post, is 5 yrs old. She is a strong willed child who loves to push the boundaries and yet somehow still has an amazingly sweet heart. She loves to help and care for people. 
Kaleb, my sweet boy is 9 yrs old and has a heart of Gold. One of the most mellow kids you will ever meet, rarely complaints about anything and has stepped into a 3rd parent roll since his sister was born, without anyone asking him to.  Its like having a grown adult in the body of a child. 

I am a very particular type of parent, while I can be extremely hands off in things like homework, I pay close attention to what they watch and in Kaleb's case what they read. Just because a book says its for children doesn't mean it is in fact children appropriate. Just because the TV show is on Disney channel or it is a cartoon program does not mean it is child appropriate. 

How much attention do most parents pay to what their children are doing? How much TV time does your child get? How much video game time? How much reading time? How aware are you, as a parent, of the content of said TV show and/or book? 

It all sounds incredibly old fashion and time consuming but to me, its extremely important that I know what the kids are being exposed to. It is extremely important for me that they know what is allowed and appropriate for their age and what is expected of them. Yes, they are 5 & 9 but they have certain responsibilities. 

I have this incredibly wonderful mother who raised me and my sister all on her own. She worked 3 jobs to make sure that we never went without and that we always had the best things in life. She worked hard to make up for the lack of a father and she honestly did the best she could. Neither my sister or I ever really had any responsibilities. Homework and to maintain a clean room were, according to her, all we had to do. As I got older I took on certain jobs around the house because well... she was busy working all of the time and things like my laundry and dishes and cooking and minor cleaning around the house just seemed to make sense. No matter how much trouble I got into [and trust me it was a lot] she was always there to clean up my messes and while, again, I say, she really and truly did do the best that she could, by the time I was 20 married to the wrong man and pregnant all I knew was that my mommy would always come cleaning up my messes. I was ill prepared for life, I had no sense of responsibility, I worked because I enjoyed it but I didn't have a real sense of life. Of money. Of family [I still don't have that one] and over all I would say I was a mess. 

In 2004, Kaleb was born premature and sick and I still didn't have a real sense of life. I took off on the path of my mother's foot steps, I worked just about every walking hour and put into practice the saying "It takes a village to raise a kid" by allowing Kaleb to jump from available sitter to available sitter, which was a very wide range of people from my mother, sister, sister's best friend's mother, a paid sitter near my job, Michael's mother, brother and/or his girlfriend at the time... Just about anyone who was available and willing to watch him for me while I worked. Typically I had one day off and that day was spent blowing my money on my then 2 yr old son to "make up" for the fact that I was rarely with him. When my  mom and sister went off on vacation to Puerto Rico for holiday's and such, they always took him because I was working. I can name many birthday's Christmas and new years that I didn't get to spend with him like I should have. And I was miserable. 
I spent a lot of time on a couch on the porch drinking and yelling at God. It wasn't the life I wanted. While I gave my mother credit for all that she did for us, I wanted nothing in my life to resemble hers. I didn't want to be resented for never being home, always being too busy and them feeling like I didn't care enough. 

Things were completely different by the time Anika was born. God gave her a responsible father who would sooner go hungry than watch them not have something to eat. Life situations made it necessary or mandatory for me to be home with her a lot and up until a few years ago, she never wanted to leave my side. She is spoiled in ways Kaleb never got to be and now I am struggling to find my balance between the two. 

Fast forward to 7 years later and I am [currently] a stay at home mom. This is an off and on thing for me because while I love being home with them and for them, I also enjoy working. So I work when I can and stay home when I can. 

I help Kaleb with his homework when he needs the help and asks for it, but for the most part I highly encourage him to do it on his own the best he can. School only gets harder the older you get and mommy & daddy wont always be to help. I don't remind him to do his homework, or her for that matter even though she rarely gets any. I don't pay attention to school bag packs. It is his/her responsibility to make sure they have all they need for school ready in time to go to school. It its his responsibility to study for test, ask for help from us or his teacher when he needs it and make sure that he has all he needs and communicate whatever he may need but doesn't have. Now is the time to teach them, build them into the person they will become.
I sometimes read them a book before bedtime, sometimes Kaleb reads it, but I have read every book they own. 
I walk into their rooms at random moments and watch TV with them just to see what their shows are all about. If I deem a show not appropriate they immediately stop watching it. Sometimes they complain.
Cartoon Network has been banned in my house and both my kids will tell you they are not allowed to watch it though as Kaleb gets older he tries to get away with it more than Anika does.
I give Kaleb random things to Google search and then ask him to report back to me what he found. The topics range from history to current world affairs. 
Kaleb is expected to help with things like keeping his room clean and walking and feeding the dogs. Anika knows her job is to help with trash and feed the cats. They do it without complaining because they know that its part of having pets, pets they asked for and therefor can not be mommy's responsibility to care for them.
I long ago stopped feeling guilty for Kaleb's lousy father and trying to make up for it with material things. The thing is Kaleb has an amazing dad in Michael and we do the best we can to raise them right. I don't need to spoil him with material things to make up for a father who doesn't want to be a dad. That was his choice, and its his mess to clean up with Kaleb when he is older. I don't have to make up for or clean up after someone else's mistake. The best I can do for my son is to be the best mother I can be not let him have his way because he got a lousy father. I am not doing him any favors any other way.
The time to play Wii or PlayStation 3 is restricted. So its the TV time. If I haven't seen them coloring, drawing or reading they will be told to do as much. 
Please. Thank You. Yes, sir. Yes, Ma'am. Are all words that are part of their vocabulary and Lord knows I better hear them use it. Especially when talking to teachers and such. I am not raising children. I am bringing up the future adults of this world and their behavior is a direct reflection on me as a person. My mother taught us to be respectful and polite and my children will learn to be also. Manners are everything. 
"Boys will be boys" is an unacceptable sentence. "Boys will be men" teach them things like, "ladies first" and to pull out chairs and open doors. 
Girls need to be taught that they are beautiful, and they need to love themselves in order for someone, some day to love them. Clothes and make up doesn't make her beautiful. The things she does for people around them does. 
Teach them to feed the homeless. To love people and not see color or race, but people. 

One of the hardest things I can possibly teach my kids is to question everything they are told. This one comes back to bite me quite often but to me it is important for them to learn to think for themselves and question everything they are told and not just believe everything they are told. 
I absolutely hate to hit my kids, but at times, spanking is a unnecessary evil. Kaleb tried to tell me recently that if his teachers ever found out that I spank them, they would call the cops on me. I said, bring it on! 
I don't agree with child abuse, I don't condone it and I don't encourage it but the occasional spanking is a must. Actions have consequences. You can only tell a child so many times that they can't or shouldn't do something. How many times can he/she test you on your rules before enough is enough? Time out and grounding don't really work. Kids are creative, they find ways to be entertained therefor 5 mins on the corner chair isn't really hurting. Its a balance of sorts. Back in the day parents would beat their children senseless for every little thing. That didn't help either. Now, I believe some parents don't hit enough. Telling your child to go to their room when they have cable TV, and God only knows how many gaming consoles is not a punishment. 
My mother hated to hit us, as much as I hate to hit my kids but there comes a point in life when it just has be that way. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I pushed my mom too hard the spanking I would get wouldn't allow me to sit for a week. I knew not to do certain things or at lease I knew not to get caught doing them. Sometimes I pushed too hard and the punishment came. If I didn't like it, I learned not to do it again. Let it be clear that hitting/spanking IS a last resort and I always feel horrible for doing so.

When it comes to God, we teach mostly by example. They pray for the sick because they have seen their daddy pray for the sick more times than they can count. If they have a question we do our best to answer it correctly and with the truth. They praise and worship because they see us praise and worship. We rarely attend church, not because we don't believe in it but because we are trying to expose them to a RELATIONSHIP with God and not RELIGION. I grew up in a catholic school and truly believe that religion tends to confuse more than it helps and there is already so much in life that is uncertain and complicated... God should never be either of them.  

Austin, Texas.

I had an incredible weekend. I was surrounded by the love of God and the most amazing people He could have blessed me with. It is so incredibly exciting to see what He has planned for us all. 

The purpose of this trip was a competition the team had in Georgetown and of course doing the tourist thing around the city of Austin. I had a wonderful time that came to its end much to quick for my personal preference. I really could have stayed longer if the opportunity had presented itself. 

The truth is, the trip had a bigger purpose, God always has a bigger purpose. I could feel it coming together on the drive there even though I couldn't exactly figure out what it all was. I am very slowly coming into my God given gifts, but I could just feel it.

On Saturday night, after a long day of competitions with less than 6 hours of sleep, we decided to go out for a few celebratory drinks .[Well, not all of us drank, that is something that I have had to learn to leave behind. And then of course Amanda doesn't drink. Yay!]

It was the funniest thing though, I had the camera bag, which is a backpack and the bars refused to let me in. The street was crowded with all kinds of people but I wasn't about to surrender the camera to any bouncer who was just as drunk as anyone else and so, I decided to stay outside and just wait for everyone to have their drink. Michael and Amanda both offered to stand outside with me but truth was I wanted them to have fun and I told them to go. Only Amanda ended up staying outside with me in the end. 

What happened after I had been standing outside for about 3-5 minutes was completely unexpected. I started to take notice of people, I mean real notice of their behavior and their clothes and even what they were smoking. So many young girls just stumbling about the street, barely dressed and too stoned to walk straight. It was an excellent opportunity to crack jokes and their expense and pass judgement, I mean seriously, they were begging for it. 

And that was when I heard Him. God's voice as clear as I have ever heard him:

"My people are lost"

He kept repeating that to me. That His people were lost. That they were damaged and needing to be restored. There was no judgement in HIS voice. Just sadness. The heartbreak a parent feels when their pride and joy has been lost in one form or another. I recognize it well, it is the sadness that for years has lived in my grandparents  voice when speaking of my father. My father isn't dead, at lease not in a dead and buried kind of way. If you go to my hometown in Puerto Rico you will see him. He is the homeless man who admittedly tells the world that he had ample opportunity to clean up his act but simply chose not to because he enjoyed the life of drugs too much. Its a choice made out of a lack of knowledge and a lack of real understanding of how God's heart hurts for those who are lost to the world. A choice made from an ignorant mind-frame by a person who simply doesn't understand that God can offer you a bigger high in life than any drug on earth. 

For years Churches have preached religion and not relationship w God, I don't think they mean to spread the wrong message, I believe they simply do not know better because if they knew the TRUTH of God and what it truly is and means to have a relationship with Him, they wouldn't waste a minute teaching anything else.

It is up to us, the ones who have come to the understanding of God and His love for us the teach this to all who are willing to listen and learn.  He is such a loving Father. He knew what I was thinking and how I was feeling about all of the people around me and yet He chose to correct me by showing me how He felt about His children and just how much He would have loved to have them all loving Him.

The price paid for all of our lives has been such, that we cannot afford to pick and choose who we want to bring on board and introduce the reality of God's love and grace. 

My Path to God... & Snow Jiu-Jitsu Ministry...

Twice in one day. Wow! God has so much to say to you all. Ok, yes I know, technically its me. No worries, in time you will understand that, as much as I love to write, I cant put a sentence together without Him wanting me too. Trust me I have tried. 

So lets talk about how I got here. I mean yes, God. But God has a plan for all of us, remember, I keep saying it. Well let me introduce you so some of the key players in my journey. 

Mr. Michael Domenech in the blue, [yes the one w the dimple]is my loving husband and then you have Samuel Snow in the white. Samuel is Jesse's brother. They have a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu school and surprise of all surprises... Its where I found God. Again.

No need to read that over dear, I didn't mean their church or a church. No. In a gym. God is not overly picky as to where you find Him, as long as we find Him. 

Now before I fall into this particular story, I want to thank the ever sweet and amazingly talented Tori Ishikawa for allowing me to use her picture. You should all go check out her Facebook, she is truly awesome! I'm a fan. Obviously!

So back to Snow Jiu-Jitsu...

Yes, I found God in a gym. Or rather, that is where I really truly noticed that something was missing in my life. Now wouldn't I just love to give you the "I walked in and felt God and it was perfect and beautiful and happily ever after" but life is a little more complicated than that because the devil doesn't want you to find God, but who cares what it wants?

Through God's incredible planing Michael joined their school and I was very reluctant to go, even once, to show support. I had a long list of excuses I plan to spare you from.

So in order to save myself the headache of the arguments that without a doubt would last long weeks, I made myself go to the gym more than once. I hated every second of it. I had a very real sense of discomfort being in that building. 

Lucky for me, Michael isn't very good at introductions, he kinda assumes that people will assume that I am his wife by the simple fact that I am following him around like a lost puppy dog and so it usually takes a meeting or two before the "Oh! by the way this is my wife Amie" comes out of his mouth. If this hasn't happened when you met me, considered yourself lucky!

However, the first time that proper introductions were put in place, the simple act of both brother's shaking my hand sent me, quite literally, running out of the building as soon as I could escape without looking entirely too weird.

I remember it like it was just yesterday, and it wasn't. It was an open mat event and I took my kids and let them play outside for the rest of the time we were there, while I hid in the car. I did that a lot in those days, hide in the car but I will get back to that. 

That night, I went home and it was the first time that Samuel and Jesse made an appearance in my nightmares, or that is how I saw them, then. 

In this dream, I was inside the gym and it was dark and I was alone, still I felt very uncomfortable there but there seemed to be no way out. I started to get desperate, more than anything I knew I needed to get out and that was when I first saw them. They looked so serene yet I felt so threaten, and then suddenly I was standing in the middle of the mats and the mats started to open up and I could see and feel the dark pits of hell, and the demons were pulling me in, drawing me back screaming words that made no sense to my ears, and both Sam and Jesse were over me and they were pushing me further down, and at the same time pulling me up. It was so confusing... 

I struggled, I screamed, I tried very hard to wake up but Michael couldn't hear me or feel me, he slept through the whole thing and I know I was trashing around. I went weeks with no sleep after that. Not just because of the dreams which was almost always the same dream, but because when I woke up from these dreams, I felt the hot and sticky hands, over my mouth, ankle and wrist tying me down. Keeping me quiet.  

There was a variation of the dreams where I was being thrown off of Victory Tower by them [if you don't know what that is, Google Victory Tower in Fort Jackson, S.C] but in the end, night after night they were trying to kill me. Or were they?

That is how I saw it for a long time. Avoided the gym, avoided anything where I could run into both brother's together. Yes, You can laugh now. See, I knew that Jesse was soon to leave for Brazil, Michael had told me, so my very human brain told me that as long as I stayed away until Jesse left, U would be OK because then THEY couldn't kill me because there would only be one brother left. Genius, right? WRONG!

Fast Forward to January 1st 2013, after about 3 weeks of little to no sleep and having cut myself off from the world and now other problems are starting to jump out of the woodwork and I am frustrated, because the money is gone and the traffic is long and my car is a stick shift and the kids wont stop fighting and blah blah blah blah... I was ready to jump off a cliff myself!!! I was in such a dark place. And there it was. This very soft voice as I am yelling in my car,at no one in particular, because I was by myself, about how I was so sick of the proverbial hamster wheel and how things get better and then go back and we just never seem to make any real progress and "Reach out to Jesse" that is all that the voice would say to me. "Reach out to Jesse". 

I knew exactly who that voice was. God! But Jesse and Samuel were trying to kill me and avoided them, so why on earth would I ever reach out to Jesse? 

I hate to tell you but, this argument, which was totally one sided, went on for a week. I yelled and screamed and got frustrated and wondered when things were ever going to be better and He stood firm when He said "Reach out to Jesse". No more, no less.  No explanation as to why.

Stubbornly I refused, out of fear. Day after they day I heard God tell me to reach out and I had another hundred excuses for why I wouldn't. I'll spare you those as well. 

But desperation got the better of me, I wanted peace and needed to find answers. I felt lost and angry and abandoned and I needed to do something about it. And so I did. I sent one very strange and rambling short message, and I gave him a way out in it. "If you don't feel comfortable taking to me, I understand."  I don't know if I expected him to take the way out or if I just hoped he did, but what I can tell you is that I never expected a reply.

The reply did come and with it, the start of how I became the person that I am today. I found God and the answers which I was searching for, but I also found new friends. 

After a handful of days messaging back and forth, Jesse with his great faith in God and me so beaten by life that I wanted to smack the cheerfulness out of him, Jesse and I had our first Skype chat. I wont go into the details of it right now for that too is a long story, what I can tell you is that while not the easiest of process, the choice of going through Deliverance has been the best ever. 

Over Skype, Jesse with the help of Michael prayed over me and commanded the demons attacking me to leave. A few days later, the dreams made perfect sense. Michael finding this particular gym made perfect sense. It was part of God's plan all along and its not done. It is all still happening. 

I would like to explain what God explained to me was the real meaning of the dream. It wasn't me. It was never me. Yes, they were killing but I was not the victim. The demons were. The fear I felt was very much real, but it wasn't my fear to feel. The enemy's minion's were scared, are scared, of these brother's because they know what God has in store for them and how He plans to use them and their business.  In the dream they were sending the demons back to hell while trying to pull me out of the place I was in. But I allowed myself to believe that their fear was my fear, that it was me they were trying to harm all along when it wasn't. 

People do not realize that this fear, while not meant for us to feel, is very real and we do feel it. I recently heard of someone else who has felt/is feeling afraid of a person who is also very close to God's heart. I don't have permission to speak on the subject, but I know all the parties involved and I don't know how to approach the subject and just let them know the true reason behind her fears. No one should have to live with this inside us. That dark uncomfortable sensation that the person near by is something to run and hide from because, its not us who are trying to run and hide, but what is within us and how we allow it so much power over how we feel and what we feel and even what we think and how we act and the choices we make. 

I have seen bits and pieces of what is to become of the people that surround me  and the signs and wonders that we will see take place in the gym, it will be so much more than a gym and so much more than any church can ever hope to be, because you will feel God's presence and know, like I did, that there is something amazing happening there. . .

Monday Madness Continues...

Yesterday was really just one of those days where I either pulled my hair out or just tossed the issues to God and laughed while I saw things so go berserk! So I just kind of sat back and watched and laughed! Michael thought I had lost my mind. 

When I came home from picking my kids up from school one of the dogs [because I have 3] had destroyed the wiring for the cable TV leaving both me and the kids with no cable whatsoever. I wasn't too stressed out, I just wanted it fixed for the kids sake but the act of him destroying it put Michael is a really bad mood. I am really sensitive to people's moods and feelings and I tend to catch what they are feeling so I really kept my distance and showed him lots of love. He, being the wonderful fixer he is, got the cable working and so I got on the computer to Facebook chat w a Friend. 

Keep in mind that the cable TV was affected, not the internet. Still, once my friend started to push the importance that I push myself to praying in tongues, the internet went out. Completely, I finished chatting with her over my phone because it simply refused to work. I called the company who couldn't find a single reason for why my modem seemed to be out of order... By this point of the night I am now chatting w both my friend Yara and my friend Jesse, both of which have become a very important part of my life and walk with God. They are just so loving, understanding and supportive. I could not have gotten here with out them.  So anyways, back on the Monday madness subject, at this point as I attempt to talk to both of them, both my home and phone's internet have gone POOF! And yet, all I can do is laugh at the enemy's attempt to hinder our conversations.

 See, not only was Yara explaining to me the importance of tongues [for the hundredth times, remember when I said I drag my feet when I feel like I am uncomfortable? Well this has been one of those uncomfortable things! I will go more into details about that later though. Promise.] but Jesse was trying to get me a word he got for me. Every time I went to read his message from my phone, the whole thing went blank. I know how insane I sound at saying that this was all hilarious but it honestly was. 

It all comes back to what I have been saying all along. Its about perspective. Its about about choice. Its about Focus. Where is yours? 

My perspective is less than perfect. Anyone can tell you that. But its a choice I make, every single day to just... Focus on God. On the positive things that are happening around me instead of the negative.

God has a plan for my life. He has an incredible future chosen for me and the enemy doesn't want me to know, he doesn't want me to access it. The power and authority that God has given me. IT, because I cant even call it a he really, doesn't want me to fulfill those plans that God has for me and every single moment that I choose to focus on anything less than God, is another minute that I am giving to the enemy, on top of all the ones that I have already given him before. That is just time it doesn't deserve from me. I have already given him way too much. If you knew me, if you knew my entire story then you would understand just how much I have given away of myself to being who is set on my destruction and the destruction of my family. Who does that? We all do. Every single day. We let him take away our peace of mind. Our joy. Our love. Well not me. Not anymore. 

You are probably wondering about my choice in pictures and how they go with my posts. Some do. Some don't. For the most part they are mine, unless they are from tumbler or friends. I have this thing I do where I take a picture of a sunset/sunrise to remember that particular day by.  This was taken yesterday at sunset. I wanted to remember my Monday Madness, not to remember all that went wrong but to remember my choice in not focusing on the negative but rejoicing that God was with me through it all. I mean think about it, who else but God could allow me to see the humor in all of the enemy's failed attempts of the day? 
I am human and as a person I will see many days like yesterday. I will always strive to handle them all with such strong hold on God, but there may be times where I will fail....and when I do. I can look back and this particular picture and remember who I am and how it felt to stand strong in God.

Find your strength in Him. Nothing else on earth could ever be sweeter.... 

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaack!!!

Good Morning my beautiful happy People!

It has been a couple of weeks of procrastination and feeling very unmotivated but I am back and feeling really good about it. 

I still struggle with my choice in focus. I don't really push myself out of my comfort zone and I tend to drag my feet when being pushed out of it. I had been sitting in a really comfortable zone for me for days when my dear friend Jesse, pushed me right out of it. That isn't to say that I was the happiest person in the world with him, because I wasn't. But it was one of those necessary kicks.

This morning was an absolute circus. Alarm went off at 6:20 am and I chose to ignore it. Didn't get up til 6:45 left the apartment late, without a jacket, I had no gas, I froze the windshields in an attempt to clean it, twice, and it just went on from there. However, today I am choosing to focus on God and so its been a really funny day for me. Without my Focus on Him, I would be in a horrible mood over all that went wrong this morning. But what would that accomplish other than to give power to the enemy? Enough of that already! He has taken enough of my peace of mind and that is as much as I am willing to give him!

For those who know me well, you know how much I am always talking about people and their choices. I am always ranting about good choices, bad choices and the consequences of our choices and yet lately, I have chosen to be less than who God has called me to be. So shame on me for forgetting that I am a child of God. A daughter of the Almighty Father and someone who shows the world who her Daddy is by her actions and choices. 

I am back on track now. Closer than ever to His heart because there is no better place in the world to be. And people, please realize that I am not preaching religion. It is never about religion, but about a relationship with Jesus, God and The Holy Spirit. Much like you and I talk and tell each other everything, talk to Him before bed tonight and surrender it all. All your thoughts and needs and desires and troubles. Just hand them over! I have done it the worldly way, fighting, stressing, obsessing about the money and the bills and the traffic, its exhausting! And I have done it His way and His way is just the only way that truly makes sense, where you truly find peace. I wasn't put on earth to suffer, struggle and be miserable. That was never God's plan for His people. That is not why He put us on earth. His plan for you is so much bigger than anything you can possibly imagine for yourself.

 Trust in Him.... What do you have to loose? Give Him a chance?

Untitled Rambling

I had this planned differently in my head but I stumbled upon this picture and I realized this fit better than anything else.

This week started off kind of rough. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to be flawless and strong and perfect. I have started off down this path w God before but the intense emotions got the better of me, I felt weak and in a moment of even bigger weakness, I walked away. 
Took me years to get back here, but He doesn't care how long it took me just that I came back. And I myself couldn't be happier to be here, even if at times my stubborn streak comes out. 

I was full of stubbornness and fear this week. Not my proudest moment but I am a fan of the comfort zone and I tend to dig in my heels and fight when I feel it slipping away. Its a bad habit that at this point in my life no longer makes sense. I want out of the unhappy box that I have been living in. I want closer to God. I want more of Him in me and in my life. 

I cant begin to tell you how extremely happy I am that I got pushed out of my comfort zone this week. The results [so far] have been amazing. I can only imagine how much better it will all turn out once I stop procrastinating. These last couple of days have been hectic what with the kids home and whatnot. 

[cont. a week or so later]

I feel horrible that I have so much to tell you and just don't know where to start. Today may not be the best of days to talk, my mood just inst what it ought to be and I just... I feel blocked. Stuck. I have so much to say, so much to share and the words just keep spinning in my head. I cant seem to get them all out though. God has much work to do in me still.... but he has already done so much and I dont know where to start telling you the story. Every time I sit and stare at the keyboard that is all I do. Stare. I havent forgotten about you all though, and I do want to tell you my story. Just bare with me. I know that God will find the right way for me to get it all out there to you all...

Our light at the end of the tunnel...

Ever notice how much we tend to focus on the negative? We find ourselves in one of the many dark tunnels of life and we tend to think "This is it! There is no way out..." 

Except there is… There is God!

We often fail to realize that God is our light at the end of the tunnel. Or rather, He is more like the flash light that guides us through, shows us the path towards the exit to a happier well lit place. And getting there is easy... All we have to do is stop focusing on the darkness that surrounds us. Easier said than done, right? WRONG! 

Here is what I have learned, it’s my secret that I am sharing with you all...Ready? 
It is ALL in your mind. Perception is a powerful thing. All things in life are as bad [or as good] as we perceive them to be. We have options. We are free to think outside the box. And if you choose to believe that God will see you through the darkness, then see you through the darkness He will. And you know what? He sees you through even when you don’t believe He will. 
The problem is, you were too busy, panicking to realize He was there all along. 


How do I know this?


Once upon a time, I was the queen of panic. It was my trademark. I panicked first, cried second and then went into “solution mode” third. What I never did was say “Oh! Ok. Well I’m sure God already has a solution to the problem and I just need to wait faithfully and pray that He shows me His way.” 
Those were the words that in those days, never, not once, came out of my mouth. 
Those were sad days for me. I would focus so much in the darkness that I allowed the enemy to suck the joy out of the most joyful events [i.e. daughter’s pregnancy] where I was so focused on all that ‘would go wrong’ or ‘could go wrong’ and even the ever annoying and yet so classic ‘how are we going to afford it’ that I failed the see the greatness that was in front of me. 

So now… because I have chosen to change my focus from the darkness to God and my perspective has changed I am able to handle things differently. 

It’s been a reprogramming process [that didn’t take very long at all] because our mind has a tendency to believe the negative much easier than the positive, and in God all things are good and positive. And the best part of it all is that it doesn’t require insane amounts of work, it’s not a painful process. 

God wants so much to be with you and see you through the good and the bad times that, all you really have to do is let Him. Spend time with Him like you would any friend. Put on some worship music and just talk to Him, tell Him about your hopes and dreams and your obstacles along the way [which He already knows, He just wants to build a relationship with you] and then hand them over to Him [yes, your hopes, dreams, obstacles and all]. 
Thank Him for all that He has given you and all that He has not [because he always has a better plan for you than you have for yourself]. 
Don’t take anything for granted. I am thankful for even my ability to get up in the morning and drive my kids to school. What was once such a tiresome & tedious task is now something that I can honestly find joy in. I play worship music and listen to the kids sing along and I find joy in that [because they are my focus instead of the fact that we are late or there is traffic].

The enemy uses the negativity around us to bring us down, and whether or not he accomplishes it, it’s a matter of whether or not you allow him to, by which perspective you use when looking at the situation.

The days that I allow life to get too busy for me to spend time w God, worship in the car or while I am sitting home alone, are the days when I find that I am irritable, impatient and tired. But when I remind myself that He is with me and that it is by His grace and His strength that I do everything… Nothing brings me down because I am the daughter of a mighty Father who lives to see me happy and wants to guide me through it all, much like we wish we could do for our own children. 

It’s a lot to process, I know. But before I go, I want to leave you with these words to think over...

Psalms 139:7-18 [NIV]

"Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you. "