Raising Children...?

What exactly is raising children? 

This has been something that has been on my heart and mind for quite some time now. What is raising children? What does it really mean? And is that really what we are doing?

To me, "Raising Children" means just that, raising a child. its creating someone who in body is fully grown but has not been taught to act & think like an adult. 

Recently, I have been catching fire regarding my parenting approach. I agree, my ways of teaching my children are not what society would consider "good parenting" now a days but... I don't usually do what society feels appropriate anyways. I have never felt the need to explain or justify my parenting, and I still don't. Shockingly enough, I feel like God really wants to me to. Maybe there is someone out there who needs to re-think their own approach or maybe someone out there can give me a little insight into my own. Who knows, God's ways are mysterious. 

The Webster dictionary says that the words "Kid" & "Child" both mean a young person. Based on that description of the word alone, one has to wonder if that may not be the best approach to parenting. Treating them as younger, more naive version of a person. Like a small adult if you will.  It is tricky territory though because they are not adults... but they will be. They need rules, boundaries, structure and discipline and lots and lots of love. They need to be taught to follow the rules and yet think for themselves. Like I said, tricky at times.

I have been entrusted with the care of 2 young children. Anika, whose picture has been my choice for this particular post, is 5 yrs old. She is a strong willed child who loves to push the boundaries and yet somehow still has an amazingly sweet heart. She loves to help and care for people. 
Kaleb, my sweet boy is 9 yrs old and has a heart of Gold. One of the most mellow kids you will ever meet, rarely complaints about anything and has stepped into a 3rd parent roll since his sister was born, without anyone asking him to.  Its like having a grown adult in the body of a child. 

I am a very particular type of parent, while I can be extremely hands off in things like homework, I pay close attention to what they watch and in Kaleb's case what they read. Just because a book says its for children doesn't mean it is in fact children appropriate. Just because the TV show is on Disney channel or it is a cartoon program does not mean it is child appropriate. 

How much attention do most parents pay to what their children are doing? How much TV time does your child get? How much video game time? How much reading time? How aware are you, as a parent, of the content of said TV show and/or book? 

It all sounds incredibly old fashion and time consuming but to me, its extremely important that I know what the kids are being exposed to. It is extremely important for me that they know what is allowed and appropriate for their age and what is expected of them. Yes, they are 5 & 9 but they have certain responsibilities. 

I have this incredibly wonderful mother who raised me and my sister all on her own. She worked 3 jobs to make sure that we never went without and that we always had the best things in life. She worked hard to make up for the lack of a father and she honestly did the best she could. Neither my sister or I ever really had any responsibilities. Homework and to maintain a clean room were, according to her, all we had to do. As I got older I took on certain jobs around the house because well... she was busy working all of the time and things like my laundry and dishes and cooking and minor cleaning around the house just seemed to make sense. No matter how much trouble I got into [and trust me it was a lot] she was always there to clean up my messes and while, again, I say, she really and truly did do the best that she could, by the time I was 20 married to the wrong man and pregnant all I knew was that my mommy would always come cleaning up my messes. I was ill prepared for life, I had no sense of responsibility, I worked because I enjoyed it but I didn't have a real sense of life. Of money. Of family [I still don't have that one] and over all I would say I was a mess. 

In 2004, Kaleb was born premature and sick and I still didn't have a real sense of life. I took off on the path of my mother's foot steps, I worked just about every walking hour and put into practice the saying "It takes a village to raise a kid" by allowing Kaleb to jump from available sitter to available sitter, which was a very wide range of people from my mother, sister, sister's best friend's mother, a paid sitter near my job, Michael's mother, brother and/or his girlfriend at the time... Just about anyone who was available and willing to watch him for me while I worked. Typically I had one day off and that day was spent blowing my money on my then 2 yr old son to "make up" for the fact that I was rarely with him. When my  mom and sister went off on vacation to Puerto Rico for holiday's and such, they always took him because I was working. I can name many birthday's Christmas and new years that I didn't get to spend with him like I should have. And I was miserable. 
I spent a lot of time on a couch on the porch drinking and yelling at God. It wasn't the life I wanted. While I gave my mother credit for all that she did for us, I wanted nothing in my life to resemble hers. I didn't want to be resented for never being home, always being too busy and them feeling like I didn't care enough. 

Things were completely different by the time Anika was born. God gave her a responsible father who would sooner go hungry than watch them not have something to eat. Life situations made it necessary or mandatory for me to be home with her a lot and up until a few years ago, she never wanted to leave my side. She is spoiled in ways Kaleb never got to be and now I am struggling to find my balance between the two. 

Fast forward to 7 years later and I am [currently] a stay at home mom. This is an off and on thing for me because while I love being home with them and for them, I also enjoy working. So I work when I can and stay home when I can. 

I help Kaleb with his homework when he needs the help and asks for it, but for the most part I highly encourage him to do it on his own the best he can. School only gets harder the older you get and mommy & daddy wont always be to help. I don't remind him to do his homework, or her for that matter even though she rarely gets any. I don't pay attention to school bag packs. It is his/her responsibility to make sure they have all they need for school ready in time to go to school. It its his responsibility to study for test, ask for help from us or his teacher when he needs it and make sure that he has all he needs and communicate whatever he may need but doesn't have. Now is the time to teach them, build them into the person they will become.
I sometimes read them a book before bedtime, sometimes Kaleb reads it, but I have read every book they own. 
I walk into their rooms at random moments and watch TV with them just to see what their shows are all about. If I deem a show not appropriate they immediately stop watching it. Sometimes they complain.
Cartoon Network has been banned in my house and both my kids will tell you they are not allowed to watch it though as Kaleb gets older he tries to get away with it more than Anika does.
I give Kaleb random things to Google search and then ask him to report back to me what he found. The topics range from history to current world affairs. 
Kaleb is expected to help with things like keeping his room clean and walking and feeding the dogs. Anika knows her job is to help with trash and feed the cats. They do it without complaining because they know that its part of having pets, pets they asked for and therefor can not be mommy's responsibility to care for them.
I long ago stopped feeling guilty for Kaleb's lousy father and trying to make up for it with material things. The thing is Kaleb has an amazing dad in Michael and we do the best we can to raise them right. I don't need to spoil him with material things to make up for a father who doesn't want to be a dad. That was his choice, and its his mess to clean up with Kaleb when he is older. I don't have to make up for or clean up after someone else's mistake. The best I can do for my son is to be the best mother I can be not let him have his way because he got a lousy father. I am not doing him any favors any other way.
The time to play Wii or PlayStation 3 is restricted. So its the TV time. If I haven't seen them coloring, drawing or reading they will be told to do as much. 
Please. Thank You. Yes, sir. Yes, Ma'am. Are all words that are part of their vocabulary and Lord knows I better hear them use it. Especially when talking to teachers and such. I am not raising children. I am bringing up the future adults of this world and their behavior is a direct reflection on me as a person. My mother taught us to be respectful and polite and my children will learn to be also. Manners are everything. 
"Boys will be boys" is an unacceptable sentence. "Boys will be men" teach them things like, "ladies first" and to pull out chairs and open doors. 
Girls need to be taught that they are beautiful, and they need to love themselves in order for someone, some day to love them. Clothes and make up doesn't make her beautiful. The things she does for people around them does. 
Teach them to feed the homeless. To love people and not see color or race, but people. 

One of the hardest things I can possibly teach my kids is to question everything they are told. This one comes back to bite me quite often but to me it is important for them to learn to think for themselves and question everything they are told and not just believe everything they are told. 
I absolutely hate to hit my kids, but at times, spanking is a unnecessary evil. Kaleb tried to tell me recently that if his teachers ever found out that I spank them, they would call the cops on me. I said, bring it on! 
I don't agree with child abuse, I don't condone it and I don't encourage it but the occasional spanking is a must. Actions have consequences. You can only tell a child so many times that they can't or shouldn't do something. How many times can he/she test you on your rules before enough is enough? Time out and grounding don't really work. Kids are creative, they find ways to be entertained therefor 5 mins on the corner chair isn't really hurting. Its a balance of sorts. Back in the day parents would beat their children senseless for every little thing. That didn't help either. Now, I believe some parents don't hit enough. Telling your child to go to their room when they have cable TV, and God only knows how many gaming consoles is not a punishment. 
My mother hated to hit us, as much as I hate to hit my kids but there comes a point in life when it just has be that way. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I pushed my mom too hard the spanking I would get wouldn't allow me to sit for a week. I knew not to do certain things or at lease I knew not to get caught doing them. Sometimes I pushed too hard and the punishment came. If I didn't like it, I learned not to do it again. Let it be clear that hitting/spanking IS a last resort and I always feel horrible for doing so.

When it comes to God, we teach mostly by example. They pray for the sick because they have seen their daddy pray for the sick more times than they can count. If they have a question we do our best to answer it correctly and with the truth. They praise and worship because they see us praise and worship. We rarely attend church, not because we don't believe in it but because we are trying to expose them to a RELATIONSHIP with God and not RELIGION. I grew up in a catholic school and truly believe that religion tends to confuse more than it helps and there is already so much in life that is uncertain and complicated... God should never be either of them.